I am still so very fat.

Ok.  This is not a newsflash to me.  It’s just that sometimes I get so caught up in the positive things that I get blindsided once in a while and it stings just a little bit. 

The other day I caught sight of myself in a full length mirror out of the corner of my eye and I thought “Woah!  I am still so very fat.”

On Wednesday I was over the moon with my weigh in results so I thought maybe a new coat was in order.  I have a very nice winter coat.  The problem is it doesn’t fit me.  I can’t zip it up.  It’s been below zero here and I’m freezing my butt off in a fleece jacket.  So I thought maybe I could buy a cheap winter coat so I’d be warm to tide me over unti I can zip my coat.  I don’t think it will fit me this winter, not comfortably anyway.  So I marched into the plus size coat section at the W store and looked for a 2xl.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  They didn’t have one, just a 3XL so I thought “Okay, I’ll try that on.  If it’s too baggy, at least it’s warm and I can donate it when it gets warmer.”

OMFG WRONG!!!!  I couldn’t zip it up.  I don’t understand.  By the numbers the coat gave for sizing (22/24) I should have been okay in it.  I should have been able to zip it up.  The fact that I STILL can’t zip up a 3XL coat was like a cold slap in the face.  I don’t know if this coat was cut small or what…but damn.  I am still so very fat.  That really let a lot of air out of my balloon that day.

Today a friend invited me to check out her class at the gym.  I asked her if it would kill me.  She said it is tough, but if she (at 35 wks pregnant) can do it, I would surely be okay.  She told me not to worry, there are a lot of people in that class and many of them modify the moves, it would be okay.  I went.  I do like to try new things.

10 minutes in and I took the risers out of my step.  My legs were screaming.  I had not worn the right bra either so my giant boobs were getting unruly.  At the “peak” of the class, they did this thing where you would go down and do a couple of push ups, then some mountain climbers, then jump up and do some jumping jacks.  I left the room to “go get a drink”.  I was nearly in tears.  I can’t do push ups or mountain climbers, especially the MC’s.  My belly is in the way I guess.  I wanted to cry.

I took a long drink and wandered back and by the time I got back they had moved on to something else.  It was a tough class.  I am going to be very sore tomorrow.

The good news is, this glass had a lot of step in it and the last time I tried to do step, one of my knees couldn’t take it.  This time, they were both fine.  There was also some jogging at the end and I was able to do that no problem and the last time I tried to jog, my knee vowed revenge on me for weeks.  I did not try jogging at all after that.  I didn’t pull any punches with the running today, and my knee didn’t go into hysterics, so I might add a little of that into my cardio routine.  We’ll see how it goes.  I’ve heard the old “one pound lost takes 4 lbs off each knee” thing but I do still have to keep in mind that I am still so very fat.

I’m not going into self destruct mode or anything…I just wanted to blog about some things that have happened to me lately that have kind of taken the wind out of my sails a little bit.  I know it’s only temporary, and I will only fail if I quit though so I just keep on going.  I just really, REALLY hate that a f’ing 3XL coat didn’t fit me. 



4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Karen Ogle
    Dec 17, 2010 @ 14:49:20

    Don’t get into too much of a tizzy over the 3X coat. Sizes at the W store are meaningless. Everything they sell there is imported from a place I won’t name that isn’t known for its QUALITY products. I can go to any other store and find that I can wear two sizes smaller than anything that fits me at W. W cant be counted on for reliable sizes now that they import everything. You can buy two of the same thing in the same size and one of them will be too large or too small. Treat yourself and check out coats at a real store. You need to be warm.


  2. Twiggy
    Dec 17, 2010 @ 15:23:52

    I just have an extremely hard time justifying spending money on something I already have but can’t wear because of my own stupidness. When I was pregnant with kid #2 I could still zip it up when I was at least 20 weeks in! It’s been 3-4 years since that coat fit me and it’s not exactly small either, it’s a mens XL Columbia (back when I was dating Hubster we bought matching coats….gag, I know). I just don’t want to spend $100+ on something I won’t need next year (won’t, won’t, won’t because I’m not giving up…..right?) and no thrift store is going to have anything decent this time of year. Maybe I’m being tight fisted but man it’s cold…I don’t know.


  3. Kimberly
    Dec 17, 2010 @ 17:15:01

    I’ve had those same feelings. I remember when I hit 50 lbs lost and I looked in the mirror and all I could see was the amount of weight I STILL had to lose. The thing to do is to ignore those feelings. Keep doing what you are doing and eventually you will have lost enough to look in the mirror and feel pride and feel how AWESOME you are (you are still awesome now – but you will know it then). Trust me. I look in the mirror in the morning these days and marvel at the change. I’ve still got a ways to go and then corrective surgery, but I can see the progress in some pretty amazing ways.

    Different stores have different interpretations of sizes. Don’t let this experience make you feel like your progress is any less because of it.



  4. FatAngryBlog
    Dec 17, 2010 @ 18:02:57

    The ladies are right re: sizes being wonky sometimes and where the weight on your body is can cause problems… I have a lot below my belly button and some exercises and movements are close to impossible for me to do because of how I carry my weight.

    The girls and I sometimes look up exercises on youtube that are by diet.com

    http://www.diet.com/videos/ and don’t be afraid to think of modifications to accommodate your body – I certainly need to!

    You are doing great – keep it going!


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