Tempation strikes (and Twiggy sways in the wind)

I think I am PMSing…I usually have crazy cravings the week or so before she hits, and although I expected her last week, things don’t always add up thanks to what I suspect might be PCOS.  I don’t have a regular cycle by any means, so it’s not a shock at all.

Last night was rough for me.  I was faced with the prospect of going out in the cold, dark night to go grocery shopping.  We were down to soup in the pantry.  No milk, no eggs, no bread, not much of anything.  I didn’t feel like going.

Then a little light went on above my head.  I was stressed.  I was tired.  I didn’t want to leave the house.  Why not make it a little more bearable with a little trip to my favorite drive thru? 

I quickly dismissed the idea as quite crazy.  No.  I can’t.  I haven’t done that in months and I’m not about to start now.  No.  Then the little voice came back…

“Come on.  Just this once.  It’ll be okay.”

“No.”

But even as I was dismissing the idea, I started to taste the food.  I daydreamed (while I was supposed to be writing my list) about what I would order.  I could picture myself sitting in the dark car, eating it. 

“See?” purred the voice.  “It’ll make you feel better.”

My thoughts strayed.  I have had several really good days in a row, yet my weight has stayed stuck at +1 or so from last week.  If I’m going to be up anyway….and I thought about the menu…which items I would most like…

Then I shook off the thought again…but my resolve was weakening.  It was getting harder and harder to tell myself I wouldn’t do it.

“No.  I’ll hate myself tomorrow if I do.”

The voice crooned “But you’ll love yourself tonight if you do.”

And that’s when I managed to pull the sword out of the hat.  Right as hope was quickly vanishing and I was practically fishing around in my pocket to see if I had the extra cash to do it.  The death of this little battle came unexpectedly with that one line.  The part of me that wanted to indulge became the engineer of its own demise.

No….I won’t.  I won’t love myself tonight if I do.  I might like the taste of the food, but I’ll feel guilty as I sit there and it won’t change anything else.  I’ll still be going out in the cold for groceries, only I’ll have a bloated, over-full belly to lug around the store.  It won’t take away the stress of my day, and it won’t make me feel good at all.  It’s only food.  Just food.  And I’m not even hungry. 

I straightened up, finished my list, went to the store and bought lots of healthy food, and didn’t spare another thought for the drive thru.  Not one.  It almost had me…but then I remembered the truth.  It’s only food and it can’t make me feel better. 

I can tell you, that realization made me feel a lot better than a hamburger and fries has ever made me feel.

*I don’t really hear voices, okay?   Oh, and I wanted to use a picture of a real snake, but I thought maybe I might have readers who don’t like snakes so I tried to pick a really mean looking cartoon one. 

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kimberly
    Dec 30, 2010 @ 22:27:48

    Yep! It is those moments where we have to choose what we want more that the battle is won. You were tempted but did not fall. That is a huge thing in this war on the fat.

    Who were you tonight? Harry or Neville? I’m a Neville girl myself.

    Assuming of course that your sword and hat were an ode to Harry Potter.

    Reply

  2. bd160
    Dec 31, 2010 @ 00:44:47

    Congratulations on that victory!!! I’m glad you thought it through to the end and the realization that you WOULDN’T love yourself afterwards! That’s a definite success! 😀

    Reply

  3. Twiggy
    Dec 31, 2010 @ 08:26:45

    Kimberly, I had pictured myself as Harry because I was picturing the scene where they are in the chamber of secrets and all hope is lost and then Fawkes flies in and gives him the hat. I like Neville, too though.

    Reply

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