putting things in perspective

Most days, even though logically I know I have lost a significant (yet not sufficient) amount of weight, I still feel like 100% of the woman I used to be.  I still feel fat.  I feel HUGE.  Every bit as fat as I was in October when I started. 

When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person (I am still fat, after all) so I just automatically assume I am the same fat person.  Yes, I am hard on myself.  My friend told me today that I am TOO hard on myself.   She told me to focus on what I have accomplished.  My mind always goes back to “well if I am so great, WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?”

I think on the days when I feel like a total flop, and like I weigh 320 pounds again and this was all a dream, I need to look at these.

This picture was taken in August of 2010.  I don’t even know why I am posting this picture.  It’s horrible.  It makes me want to cry.  Not because that day was a horrible, stressful day (you wouldn’t know it by the picture though!) but…I mean…look at me.   This is not the kind of picture you frame and put over the fireplace.  This picture fills me with shame.  This picture makes me hate me.   My face looks happy in this picture, but if you adjust your screen so that you can’t see my head at all, what you’re left with is just a blob of disgusting.

This one was taken in September.  I know because we’re holding a quilt that I made for a relative for their wedding gift.  I’m the one on the left.  It’s not a great view of me, but I think you can get the picture.  I had it in my head that I would lose x amount of weight before this wedding.  I did not lose a single pound.  Lots of pictures were taken at that wedding and I look awful in every one.  I wasn’t wearing this outfit, I had on a dress and believe me, I looked like crap in it.

This is as close to a “before” picture as I have.  This picture was taken mid October 2010 which is when I started.  In fact, this was probably one of my first days on plan.  I remember because we were touring a facility and I knew it was going to be a lot of walking so I took some pills that I knew would give me boundless energy.  As a side effect, they also took away my appetite entirely.  I don’t think I ate more than 600 calories that day.  I think I thought “hey, this could be the start of something” and went from there.  I have lost an average of 2.2 lbs per week since this picture was taken.  That slide was a lot of fun.  Too bad this picture of me having such a great time makes me feel so bad about myself.   I have a HUGE smile on my face in this picture.  I think I am actually laughing.  To me, that is all lost when me eyes move from my face to…..the rest of me.

Then there is this picture.  The most current picture of me that exists on the planet.  Still fat, yes…but making progress.  It’s just hard to remember that sometimes because the mirror doesn’t show me before pictures…all I see is Fat Twiggy, day in and day out.  I forget the differences.  I think sometimes I feel like I need to take myself down a peg or two…something like “hey, don’t get cocky, you are still FAT.  This isn’t over.”  Not that I think it is or ever will be over, but there will come a time when I am done with the weight loss portion of this journey.

The point at which I have decided I will re-evaluate my goals is 180 lbs.  I know that sounds high but remember I have a larger % of muscle mass than most women (yes, doctors have said this) so I really couldn’t begin to guess what 180 will look like on me.  It struck me yesterday that I no longer have more than 100 lbs to go before I get there.  It used to be, when I would think about getting there, it seemed so impossible.  It was 140 lbs.  A whole person.  I couldn’t imagine it.  Now it’s under 100 lbs.  It’s still a lot, but to me it just feels better to know that it’s less than 100.    I may decide to continue past 180…I won’t know til I get there.

I did some quick measurements today.  Since I started, I have lost nearly 3 inches in each of my thighs.  My neck has gone down about 1.5 inches.  My waist is harder because I can never find the same spot, but as near as I can tell I have lost 3-4 inches there.

Progress pics are still in the works.  We are passing the flu around in my house so I’ve been busy either being sick or taking care of people who are sick…but I will get that done soon.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Karen Ogle
    Feb 17, 2011 @ 16:34:25

    You really should try to think more positively about yourself and your journey. Thinking this way and talking this way about yourself will only continue to erode your self-esteem. Give yourself credit when credit is due. 🙂

    Reply

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