Sorry

I was really mad when I wrote my last post, but things have changed quite a bit since then.

When I wrote my last post, I knew that I was retaining water like nobody’s business.  After that post, things got worse.  I tried drinking more water, thinking that would help as it always has done in the past.  This time, the extra fluids were also retained.  I gained another 4 lbs or so that day.

Then next day I woke up with my hands so swollen I could hardly move them.  The joints in my hands, feet, and to a lesser extent, my knees, were extremely stiff and painful.  I couldn’t dress myself.  Going to the bathroom was…a problem.  I could not open a jar.   I needed to put my youngest child’s car seat back together, but the thought of trying to feed the straps through the slots and then putting all the buckles and stuff back on did not appeal to me. 

I went from totally fine and healthy to being practically crippled overnight.  The pain was THAT bad.  I was taking the maximum dose of ibuprofen allowed, along with tylenol…to no effect.  I couldn’t hold a glass of water…it was nuts.

Sunday I just relaxed, keeping my water logged limbs elevated, hoping it would carry me through to my dr appointment on monday morning. 

By monday morning, I was actually feeling a bit better.  I could move my hands with only…moderate pain instead of intense pain.  The swelling had gone down.

Even though I was feeling better, the dr ran a whole slew of tests because what happened is just not right.  We’re waiting on results now, some of the tests take a few days to come back.  I think the one that will take longest is Lyme disease, but I really don’t think that’s what it is.

Of the ones that have already come back, a couple of things came back abnormal that might explain a few things, but I have not talked to my dr yet.  I think he’s waiting for the rest to come in before he calls me.  I don’t think I want to go into any more detail right now until we know more, if ever. 

I’m upset.  I don’t think it’s anything untreatable or anything…but no one likes to have abnormal test results, right?

In the meantime, even though I have stuck right to my eating plan (1,000-1,400 cals/day) I am STILL up from 2 weeks ago.  Doesn’t seem fair, but with all this medical stuff going on, I guess we’ll have to just let that be what it is for now.

weigh in Wednesday

Well that was bullshit.

Excuse my language, but I am peeved.  I spent last week doing everything BUT eating.  I didn’t go to the gym much becuase I was sick for part of the week with a mystery flu-like illness that made me miserable…but I didn’t eat that much.  On all the days, I ate 1200 calories or less.  Less!  Some days I didn’t break 1000. 

So…um…where is the love on the scale?   I came in the same as last week.

I have continued doing the same thing into this week…but I don’t feel good about it, and not just mentally.  I am tired, weak feeling, and for the last two days, my joints have been hurting like crazy.

The kicker?  I am writing this on a friday.  I weighed this morning and I am UP!  WTF?  I have literally not been eating enough to have gained weight…and yet…

Yes, I know.  No lectures.  Please lay off the “That’s not healthy” or “Your body will go into starvation mode!”  I know.  I just wanted to see some results to hopefully motivate me further.  So far all I have to show for about 10 days of VLC dieting is…a higher number on the scale.

Bullshit, I tell you.

Weigh in Wednesday

284.5

I’ll take it.  It’s not ideal, that’s true.  Ideally, I would be…oh…about 250.  Yes, if I had continued on my previous tragectory, I would have been there by now.  Still, there’s no use crying about that.  All I can do now is keep moving onward and downward.

Moving right along

It seems like every time I think “I should write something in my blog!”  I just don’t feel like it. 

I just don’t want to blog.

I think I should, though…so I’m going to try to get back in the habit.

It’s been difficult.  The last few weeks of school were very busy.  Then as soon as the last bell rang, we were off on our vacation.  I had a goal for vacation – to come back after 2 weeks away from home 4 lbs lighter.  The scale said I had been sucessful, but for whatever reason, it bobbed back up a little.

I guess it’s good that I can still come away from that trip with a loss, but I’m unhappy.

Now that things are more normal on the home front, I hope to blog more.  I guess that’s all I have to say on that subject.

Need to start taking the time to blog again

It used to be that I would get up in the morning, see my kids off to school, and then spend an hour or so on the computer while eating my breakfast and stuff.  Then I would do…whatever it is I had in mind that morning and come back to my computer for lunch.  I would sit down at my computer off and on through the afternoon, and that’s when I would blog.

When I start drifting off course, the first thing to go is blogging.   I don’t write in my blog, and I don’t read yours.  I don’t write in mine because I don’t want to write about how I am “trying to get back on the wagon, but….”.  I know what people think about that, when every day a blogger posts “Today started out great but….”  Yeah.

So I post nothing.

I don’t want to read YOUR blog when I am off in the ditch because I don’t want to read about your success.  It just makes me feel more like a failure.  So I don’t.

As a result, I am waaaay behind on my blog reading, and my blog writing.

Because it feels like an insurmountable obstacle to try and catch you up, I will not try.  I will just pick up right here where we are at right now.  As I think I mentioned before, I have gained a little weight.  I am not sweeping it under the rug or trying to pretend I have not.  Some of it comes from eating more carbs than before, but I suspect most of it comes from eating more pizza than I was before.  And McDonalds.  And evening snacks.  And morning snacks.  And afternoon snacks.  And stuff.  I am doing well right now, but I feel like I am a big pile of really dry wood soaked in gasoline and the scale is that itty bitty lit match.  I do not want to go up in flames right now.

Soooo, I am staying off the scale until I feel the time is right.  I don’t know when that will be.  Probably about a month of being totally on track and nice.  Then I might peek under the bandage to see where we are at.  I just want to keep the good vibe rolling here, not hide anything…so I am telling you now, yeah I did gain a little weight while I was out at recess.  Not a lot, but enough to make me feel really sad.

I thought about making a reward for myself.  I had something in mind.  I had my eye on a cool gadget to help me in the pursuit of my newest hobby.  I decided that once I got down to X weight (whatever it was, I don’t remember) I would get it.  Then I realized that by then, summer would be winding down and this is more of a smmer thing where I live.  Also, this thing would potentially help me get to my WL goal, so I decided to allow myself to get it, but to always remember when I use it, that I need to be staying on track.  Kind of like when you “buy” a house.  You get it before you have the money, but every time you send out the payment, you remember that this is not a right, it’s a privilage…or something like that.

Anyway, since I decided not to say no to myself with regard to that item…what then?  What could I possibly hold over my own head?  What could I tempt myself or threaten myself with that could be that powerful?  And the answer came to me.

About a year ago, Hubster mentioned wanting to drop our landline.  I dug my heels in.  I flatly refused to consider it.  N to the O.  I did not have a “real” cell phone (I had a prepaid one), and our cell reception in our house is poor.  Huh uh.  A couple of months later, my birthday rolled around.  For my birthday, Hubster presented me with a “real” cell phone.  Not a fancy schmancy one, it’s the s@msung reclaim if you care at all.  I do like it, it’s a great phone.   Once again, he made the pitch about dropping the land line.   Once again, I told him how impossible that would be.  Our cell reception was still awful in the house, and with all our family living far away, the fact that we had unlimited talking on our landline included was awesome.  I would not want to be limited by cell phone minutes, and besides, our reception sucked.

Hubster was given a device that amplifies our cell reception in the house by his work.  Apparently they think they should be able to call him at home or something.  He brought up the whole landline thing again, this time arguing that our reception is now totally fine, which it is.  Only this time, he made an adjustment to his offer.  He told me that I could get a fancy shmancy phone when I was able to upgrade.  Whatever I want.  Anything to be able to drop the landline.

I finally agreed.  A super fancy cell phone is something I REALLY want.  I have been virtually counting down the days until upgrade time.

Well, I decided that if i don’t make it to a certain weight before upgrade time, I will simply not get my phone.  The day will come when I could have gotten it, and it will pass right by.  I will be sad.  I will be frustrated.  I will be kicking myself.  But I will not get that phone until that weight is reached.  I will not. 

So…there you go.  Here I am, poised to finally break into the world of people will cool phones…but only if I behave.

Nice, huh?

I’m Still Here

I didn’t mean to be gone so long.  I got busy and then I felt like I had to update you all on EVERYTHING I was doing, which made me feel overwhelmed, then I didn’t post, then I got more overwhelmed with the thought of updating you…and it went from there.

It’s all over now, so I guess I have time.  I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself though so if I don’t get through it all, don’t be mad at me.

Going waaaaay back to…I guess just after my last update.  I had a rough weekend.  We were out of town and I got out of my good habits and when faced with a mountain of foods that I had been more or less avoiding for the last 5 months or so…I took the bait.  Hook, line, and sinker!

After that, two things happened.  One was my birthday, and the other was a string of home improvement projects that sucked up a lot of me time, and allowed me to be distracted from my goal.  I’m not making excuses, just telling it like it happened.

Actually the projects started first.  I started working my butt off on some projects around my house and that gave me an excuse to not cook, order pizza, run out and have some of that fast food I’d been avoiding for so long…etc.  First, I put ceramic tile down in one of my bathrooms and my laundry room.  That took a few days to get done between all my other things I have going on (kids, etc).  Then I ripped the carpet off my stairs and replaced it with laminate flooring.  This was a lot harder than I just made it sound.  I had to cut pieces off my existing stairs and then do a lot of patch work and stuff…this one took me a few days as well.  Then I took a break from home improvement while I waited for help to arrive for my next project…anyway my birthday was coming up!

Around my birthday, I figured I’d been out of the swing of things for a week or so, why not enjoy whatever I wanted to eat for my birthday, I would get back into the rhythm right afterward.  So I did, and then I didn’t.

2 weeks after my birthday was an event that takes an entire weekend and involves a lot of yummy food.  I figured, why try to get back on track just to be thrown off by this event?

So I didn’t. 

Then 2 weeks after that, the last (and biggest) of my current DIY projects was scheduled to happen.  I knew there would be a lot of fast food going on over that weekend, so I decided not to bother trying to get going again until that was done.  I had many “last hurrahs” during this time.

The project spanned over this last weekend.  We got it done and it looks nice.  We laid laminate over something like 800 sq feet of my house.  It was a remarkable feat of DIY awesomeness.  Our floor went through several rooms/areas and we did it without any transition strips.  It was amazing how it came together.

I want to post pictures and stuff, but I need to get moving for the day.  I just really needed to post SOMETHING to get back into the groove.  There is more, I’m just done with the computer for now.  I know you want to know how the weight loss is going and stuff, I’ll get there.  Hang in there, folks!

Weigh in Wednesday

This week has sucked.

After my lackluster weigh in last week, I decided I had better get back on the stick with logging my food and counting my calories.  I did.  I logged everything, and I didn’t really lose much.  1 lousy pound.

I don’t have much else to say, but I wanted to post this before it got much later, I know I am already very late posting.   Sorry, folks.

Whatcha gonna do?

As I creep closer and closer to the -50 lbs mark, I have given some thought to what I will do to celebrate.  Obviously, going out to eat at the Olive Garden is out ;).   For the more mathematically challenged of you, when I get to 270 I will have lost 50 lbs.  So, that could happen this week (you never know) but probably next week.  So, we’re getting close.

I am not much for rewards, I hate spending money on myself.  Getting my hair done is a treat, but I do that a couple of times a year anyway.  It’s just hard for my to do anything for me.  Here is what I decided to do when I hit -50 lbs.

  1. Get rid of clothes that are bigger than 2xl.  I have a few things that are 3-4x (omg!).  Those are being donated.
  2. Spend $50 on new clothes.

I know.  $50 isn’t a lot when we’re talking about clothes, but I like 50 lbs = $50, and I will have a hard time spending more than that…like I said, I hate spending money on me.  Really I only need some new shirts.  It’s still not warm enough to wear anything but pants here and we’ve got another month of that.  I have some capris that I bought ahead (size 20) that fit me okay now, but in a month when I can actually wear them they will fit very nicely.  I have another pair that I can get away with for a while and that will take me into shorts season.  I will need new shorts, but I won’t buy those til we get closer…I’m afraid I’ll buy something now and it’ll be baggy by May.  So $50 for some new shirts and since I like simple clothes and shop the sales, I should be able to get a handful of them and it will feel like I really splurged.

That’s the plan.

The other night I tried on all my pants just for fun.  I was a little disappointed that they all still fit me more or less.  The biggest ones I have are size 24 and none of them were falling off me.  If I walked around in them I would have to constantly hike them up, but still.  I was hoping that almost 50 lbs in I would have SOMETHING that would just slide off me when I put it on.  Oh well.  The pants I wear now are size 22 but I am holding them up with a belt shoelace.  Yes.  You remember how my belt did not survive long…I needed SOMETHING to hold my pants up.  This shoelace does the trick and no one sees it anyway.  I know, it’s sad.  Soon I will shrink into one of my “real” belts and I can put my shoelace away.

I have picked out my “before” clothing item.  You know, the one that a year from now I will stand in with both legs down one leg and the waist will be twice my size?  It’s a pair of shorts that I bought 2 summers ago.  Ironically, they’re not my largest by the numbers, but by the fit, they are the biggest.  They are nearly sliding off me when I put them on.  those I will save.  Just for fun I tried to put both legs down one side of these shorts, and I fit.  It was like wearing a skin tight denim skirt, but I never thought I would be able to do that. 

Take it easy, folks, and have a good weekend!

Figures

A day late and a dollar short.  Wish I’d seen this on Wednesday!

Weigh in Wednesday

– 1 today. 

I worked out every day last week except Sunday, I just took that day off.  One of the days, Hubster was gone so I had to make do at home, but I managed (thank you, Netflix!).  It’s possible I only lost 1 lb because of that, body adjusting to more workouts, etc.  I think it’s more likely that the problem was that I still have not started counting calories faithfully again.  I really need to do that.  Really.  I counted yesterday and the day before, so I am trying to get back on the horse with that one, but we all know how it goes when you say you’re “trying” to do something.  It’s like Yoda said, “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  He was right. 

I will leave you with a picture of a shirt I tried on today.  I thought my boobs looked insane in this shirt and it didn’t fall on my the way it’s “supposed” to…but I thought I would ask what you all think.  So, whatcha think?  I actually tried on a few shirts but the one I was specifically interested in…well they didn’t have my size.  They didn’t have one SMALL enough.  I never thought I would say that.

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