Argh

I am in pain!

Yesterday, I did my first twoaday, meaning I went to the gym twice in one day.  I did cardio in the morning and weights in the evening.  I worked every muscle that wasn’t already screaming from my previous workout.  I am working hard to get ready for my warrior dash! 

The problem is my triceps.  They are really aching, and his is the third day!  When I originally worked them, I had no sense that I was overdoing it.  I knew I was lifting heavy, but I honestly didn’t think I did too much.  Considering how much they still hurt today, it’s going to be at least 2 more days, maybe more, before they feel better.

All this is going to kill my weigh in.  I have noticed that when I have sore muscles, my weight goes up.  Extra water around them, helping them heal and stuff.  Whatever.  I don’t much care except that it’s nice after you’ve had a full week on plan to…you know…see results on the scale.  I’m starting to not care much about that.  I have gone through times where I have been pretty scale obsessed, but right now I am feeling more results oriented.  I don’t care if I stay this same weight forever as long as my clothing size keeps getting smaller ;). 

So, I will weigh in for record keeping purposes, but I don’t expect a loss.  If I have one…that’s great.  If not, I’ll live.  I KNOW I am doing the right things.  I feel amazing!  I have never in my life had the energy to go to the gym twice a day.  My body doesn’t quite match the way I feel, and I am not down to my previous low  from february, but I’m getting there.  I am only 6 lbs away, so that could happen in as little as 2 weeks.  By the end of this month I’ll be at a new low, and that feels pretty good, too :).

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Whatcha gonna do?

As I creep closer and closer to the -50 lbs mark, I have given some thought to what I will do to celebrate.  Obviously, going out to eat at the Olive Garden is out ;).   For the more mathematically challenged of you, when I get to 270 I will have lost 50 lbs.  So, that could happen this week (you never know) but probably next week.  So, we’re getting close.

I am not much for rewards, I hate spending money on myself.  Getting my hair done is a treat, but I do that a couple of times a year anyway.  It’s just hard for my to do anything for me.  Here is what I decided to do when I hit -50 lbs.

  1. Get rid of clothes that are bigger than 2xl.  I have a few things that are 3-4x (omg!).  Those are being donated.
  2. Spend $50 on new clothes.

I know.  $50 isn’t a lot when we’re talking about clothes, but I like 50 lbs = $50, and I will have a hard time spending more than that…like I said, I hate spending money on me.  Really I only need some new shirts.  It’s still not warm enough to wear anything but pants here and we’ve got another month of that.  I have some capris that I bought ahead (size 20) that fit me okay now, but in a month when I can actually wear them they will fit very nicely.  I have another pair that I can get away with for a while and that will take me into shorts season.  I will need new shorts, but I won’t buy those til we get closer…I’m afraid I’ll buy something now and it’ll be baggy by May.  So $50 for some new shirts and since I like simple clothes and shop the sales, I should be able to get a handful of them and it will feel like I really splurged.

That’s the plan.

The other night I tried on all my pants just for fun.  I was a little disappointed that they all still fit me more or less.  The biggest ones I have are size 24 and none of them were falling off me.  If I walked around in them I would have to constantly hike them up, but still.  I was hoping that almost 50 lbs in I would have SOMETHING that would just slide off me when I put it on.  Oh well.  The pants I wear now are size 22 but I am holding them up with a belt shoelace.  Yes.  You remember how my belt did not survive long…I needed SOMETHING to hold my pants up.  This shoelace does the trick and no one sees it anyway.  I know, it’s sad.  Soon I will shrink into one of my “real” belts and I can put my shoelace away.

I have picked out my “before” clothing item.  You know, the one that a year from now I will stand in with both legs down one leg and the waist will be twice my size?  It’s a pair of shorts that I bought 2 summers ago.  Ironically, they’re not my largest by the numbers, but by the fit, they are the biggest.  They are nearly sliding off me when I put them on.  those I will save.  Just for fun I tried to put both legs down one side of these shorts, and I fit.  It was like wearing a skin tight denim skirt, but I never thought I would be able to do that. 

Take it easy, folks, and have a good weekend!

putting things in perspective

Most days, even though logically I know I have lost a significant (yet not sufficient) amount of weight, I still feel like 100% of the woman I used to be.  I still feel fat.  I feel HUGE.  Every bit as fat as I was in October when I started. 

When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person (I am still fat, after all) so I just automatically assume I am the same fat person.  Yes, I am hard on myself.  My friend told me today that I am TOO hard on myself.   She told me to focus on what I have accomplished.  My mind always goes back to “well if I am so great, WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?”

I think on the days when I feel like a total flop, and like I weigh 320 pounds again and this was all a dream, I need to look at these.

This picture was taken in August of 2010.  I don’t even know why I am posting this picture.  It’s horrible.  It makes me want to cry.  Not because that day was a horrible, stressful day (you wouldn’t know it by the picture though!) but…I mean…look at me.   This is not the kind of picture you frame and put over the fireplace.  This picture fills me with shame.  This picture makes me hate me.   My face looks happy in this picture, but if you adjust your screen so that you can’t see my head at all, what you’re left with is just a blob of disgusting.

This one was taken in September.  I know because we’re holding a quilt that I made for a relative for their wedding gift.  I’m the one on the left.  It’s not a great view of me, but I think you can get the picture.  I had it in my head that I would lose x amount of weight before this wedding.  I did not lose a single pound.  Lots of pictures were taken at that wedding and I look awful in every one.  I wasn’t wearing this outfit, I had on a dress and believe me, I looked like crap in it.

This is as close to a “before” picture as I have.  This picture was taken mid October 2010 which is when I started.  In fact, this was probably one of my first days on plan.  I remember because we were touring a facility and I knew it was going to be a lot of walking so I took some pills that I knew would give me boundless energy.  As a side effect, they also took away my appetite entirely.  I don’t think I ate more than 600 calories that day.  I think I thought “hey, this could be the start of something” and went from there.  I have lost an average of 2.2 lbs per week since this picture was taken.  That slide was a lot of fun.  Too bad this picture of me having such a great time makes me feel so bad about myself.   I have a HUGE smile on my face in this picture.  I think I am actually laughing.  To me, that is all lost when me eyes move from my face to…..the rest of me.

Then there is this picture.  The most current picture of me that exists on the planet.  Still fat, yes…but making progress.  It’s just hard to remember that sometimes because the mirror doesn’t show me before pictures…all I see is Fat Twiggy, day in and day out.  I forget the differences.  I think sometimes I feel like I need to take myself down a peg or two…something like “hey, don’t get cocky, you are still FAT.  This isn’t over.”  Not that I think it is or ever will be over, but there will come a time when I am done with the weight loss portion of this journey.

The point at which I have decided I will re-evaluate my goals is 180 lbs.  I know that sounds high but remember I have a larger % of muscle mass than most women (yes, doctors have said this) so I really couldn’t begin to guess what 180 will look like on me.  It struck me yesterday that I no longer have more than 100 lbs to go before I get there.  It used to be, when I would think about getting there, it seemed so impossible.  It was 140 lbs.  A whole person.  I couldn’t imagine it.  Now it’s under 100 lbs.  It’s still a lot, but to me it just feels better to know that it’s less than 100.    I may decide to continue past 180…I won’t know til I get there.

I did some quick measurements today.  Since I started, I have lost nearly 3 inches in each of my thighs.  My neck has gone down about 1.5 inches.  My waist is harder because I can never find the same spot, but as near as I can tell I have lost 3-4 inches there.

Progress pics are still in the works.  We are passing the flu around in my house so I’ve been busy either being sick or taking care of people who are sick…but I will get that done soon.

Weigh in Wednesday

288!

That is a change of -2.5 lbs since last week.  Not too shabby 🙂  This is also a very special weight for me because it means….

Yup, I have reached my goal of losing 10% of my initial body weight.  That was 32 lbs.  I am now at the lowest recorded weight since I got pregnant with kid#3.  So I guess I am finally at my pre pregnancy weight from my last pregnancy.  Sadly, I gained about 20 lbs right before I got pregnant with him thanks to the drugs I had to take in order to get pregnant…nice, huh? 

My next big goal to take off 10% of my current weight.  That’s 28 lbs.  I don’t have a timeline or anything for that, that’s just my next target to count down to.  I’ll make a new ticker for that when I get a chance.  When I get there, I will be 260 lbs, and I will have lost 60 lbs total.

No word on who won the contest.  It hasn’t even been over for 24 hours yet, so I am trying to be patient lol.  Thank you for all the lovely comments yesterday, it made my day to see them!

The contest is over (and a minor freak out by me)

Yesterday, I had a bit of a freak out.  I misread a label on something, and was at 120% of my RDA of sodium by lunch time.

I freaked.  The LAST thing I needed for my final weigh in for my contest was a sodium spike.  After I worked so hard.  I started to pound down the water.  I was constantly filling my brita pitcher and then emptying it – down my throat.  I was so close and I had blown it completely by accident!  I was stressed out, and so I felt like snacking all day.  I fought off that urge, not wanting to do any further damage, but it was a rough day.

When dinner time came around, I was stumped.  What to make?  I racked my brains, trying to come up with an idea that  had very little sodium.  I couldn’t think of anything.  Finally, at 5:45, I couldn’t fight off the family any more, and made a frozen pizza for them so they could eat and quit whining.  I didn’t touch it.  I was still trying to think of what I could have for dinner that didn’t involve salt.  I wasn’t really hungry at all…but having had only about 500 calories for the day, I needed something for dinner.

Then I realized I was supposed to be at a meeting in half an hour.  By the time that was over, it would be 9 pm, and my hopes of ever eating dinner vanished.  I went to bed having eaten a grand total of maybe 550 calories for the entire day.

When I went to bed, I couldn’t sleep.  My stomach was finally starting to complain, but that wasn’t the problem.  I was just so darn excited about my weigh in.  I finally drifted off at around midnight, dreaming of scales showing nice, low numbers. 

Due to my schedule today, I was either going to have to get up early to weigh in at the Y, or not do it until after 11:30.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I won’t eat or drink anything before a weigh in…so since I was having trouble sleeping anyway, when I woke up at 6:30 I decided to just get up and go.  I checked my home scale weight…awesome.  I put on my lightest clothes and shoes (yes, I actually weighed all my shoes to find out which were the lightest).  I was ready.

When I got to the gym, I went to the locker room and stripped off my outer layer (it’s REALLY cold here…) and was down to my light workout clothes.  I marched over to the weigh in area, and gave my name. 

This is where it gets fun.  Super duper fun.

I stepped on the scale and held my breath, waiting for the little dashes to stop flashing.  They did.  A number popped up.  A number that is more than 20 lbs less than my initial weight from a week or so before Thanksgiving.  The lady wrote it down, saying that usual “Oh, good job.” type thing, then she squinted at her paper and said:

“Wait…is that?  (pause) twenty?

I grinned.  “Yes.”

Wow!” she said.  “You must have worked really hard!”

I agreed that I had.

“So…was it the contest that really got you going?”

I told her that I had been going before the contest, but that the contest was extra motivation for sure.

Then it was time for her to give me my official contest t-shirt, and in a nod to the fact that I am still fat, I asked for an XXL.  Cheap cotton shirts always shrink a lot anyway.

I am stoked, people.  I lost 20 lbs for that contest.  That’s a lot.  That’s about 6.5% of my initial weight (my first w/i there was 307).  I am super proud.  I thought my goal of 12 lbs was unreachable with the holidays in there…but I blew it away.  Granted, my first weigh in there was in the evening and my last one was in the morning but you know what?  I still blew my goal away, even if you add a couple of lbs on for daily fluctuation.  I am pleased.  If I don’t win, whoever did deserves it.  If I did win, I deserve it!

Weigh in Wednesday

290.5

<insert happy dance here>

I was pretty surprised at my weight this morning.  I was expecting to be about 1 pound higher…so it was a nice surprise 🙂

In .5 lbs I will have hit the 30 lb mark.  Actually, I think unofficially I might already be there…the first week or so that I started watching what I ate for real, I was afraid to look at the scale.  I think it might have been as high as 323 but I’m not sure, and 320 makes a nice, round number to start with so I go with that.  Also I think a part of me doesn’t care to admit that I might have weighed over 320…

This also puts me below my goal for January 11th.  If you are new to my blog, my 293 goal was based on the idea that if I was 293 lbs naked in the morning, it would equate to about 295 lbs with light clothes on, which would put me at my 12 lb goal for a weight loss contest I entered that was to last about 6 weeks.  It ends January 11th, so I have 6 days left to hopefully drop another pound or so.  I would love to go into that weigh in at 289, but I am happy with having met my goal of losing 12 lbs over the 6 weeks the contest spanned so if I go in to the weigh in at this same weight, that’s okay, too.  I am sure that there I did better than the majority of the participants, even if I don’t win.

My ticker over on the right is counting down to my other goal, my 10% off goal.  Just a couple more pounds to go and I’ll be there!  That will be a total of 32 lbs lost and well over halfway to 50.  I would like to have lost 50 by my birthday, but true to my word, I won’t ever make a goal with a deadline again.  That stresses me out waaaaay too much.  So far I have beaten all of my goals easily, but I think it’s best if I don’t make deadlines for myself.

 

A New Day Dawns

Today I feel like a totally different person.  I think I am all better.

Yesterday, I managed to eat around 400 calories…maybe a little more.  2 pieces of toast, 1.5 cups of applesauce (spread over the day), and a can of chicken noodle soup.  Although I normally don’t buy things marketed as “low fat”, the chicken soup was because my stomach told me that fat was a no-go.  This morning I woke up feeling great.  The soreness from my running session is gone, the joint pain from the illness is gone…and I feel fine.  Yay!

As of this morning, I have surpassed my goal of 293 by January 11th.  Hopefully I can hang on to that until Wednesday so I can call it official.  I would love to get to 289 by the 11th (remember, this is the day of the weigh out for my contest I am doing).  If I can do that, and keep the water retention down, I might have a chance at winning. 

I feel sooo good compared to yesterday…it’s a amazing.  Now I get to clean my entire house since nothing got done yesterday while I was down and out….lovely.

Holiday Party FAIL

Well, I don’t know that it was exactly a holiday party fail, really, but yesterday was what I would consider a fail.

*Warning, the following contains a lot of talk about food.  Some of it was kind of naughty.  If that is going to be a problem for you, I suggest you go on to the next blog 😉

This week I have been doing pretty good.  Friday I had a date with my 5 year old for lunch.  I like to pull my kids out of school once in a while for a lunch date, and Friday was her day.  I took her to McD’s (her choice, plus it’s like the only thing close by) and I had what she was having – a happy meal.  It fit in with my calories, plus I worked out really hard that day.  I was happy with my choice.

Saturday we were meeting Hubster’s parents in another town that is about halfway between our town and theirs for his birthday.  They wanted to go to….McD’s.  Fine.  I did the same thing as on Friday.  I ate sparingly at breakfast and dinner, no snacks, etc.  That time I ordered the meal with 2 cheeseburgers.  I took one of the cheeseburgers and a small handful of fries and gave the rest to Hubs…so essentially we split the 2 cheeseburger meal but he got the majority of the fries.  We also shared a small egg nog shake.  Still not bad.  Still fit into my calories.

Yesterday (sunday) things went a little haywire.  It was Hubster’s actual birthday and he requested that I make eggs, hashbrowns, and sausage.  No biggie.  I made it and carefully portioned out my plate.  It wasn’t too bad but I felt like I would need to watch lunch and dinner carefully because I knew I was also going to this holiday party thing.

For lunch I had a few ounces of leftover pot roast.  I knew we were having chili for dinner which is pretty low cal, so I felt good about it all, and I knew I could handle myself at the party.  Then the afternoon munchies struck.  I had snacks.  It was nothing earth shattering.  I didn’t sit down and eat a block of cheese or an entire bag of chips…it’s more the fact that I wasn’t even hungry that bothers me.  Then at dinner, I had intended to eat my chili without the few Fritos we usually put in the bottom..but Hubs had already put my bowl together and I didn’t want to make a fuss…so I ate them.  Again, this wouldn’t have been a problem if it wasn’t for the munchies.

Then the party.  I had pretty much eaten an amount of calories that is roughly equal to maintenance at my goal weight (180, will evaluate that again when I get there) so I knew I was still pretty much okay.  I brought a dessert to share and I wanted to try it since I’d never made it before and I was a little worried I might have messed it up.  So I tried it…and thought it wouldn’t hurt if I had just a couple of those meatballs that looked so good…and a tiny spoonful of the pasta salad.  That was all I ate, but I feel bad about it.  It wasn’t enough to throw me into chaos, it wasn’t enough to cause a gain.  I just am being hard on myself because I knew all day this party was coming and I knew that if I wanted to sample something there I would need to keep the eating at home in check.  But I ate my day’s worth of calories before I even got there and sampled anyway.  It wasn’t that much, but it made me feel bad.  Truthfully, I had planned on throwing a slightly higher calorie day in soon anyway…but I didn’t want it to happen like that.  I wanted to have it planned out.  I will do it *this* day and *this* is what I will have.

No damage done scale-wise.  I’m thankful for that because that really helped me pick myself up this morning.  I know that thin people can have a day where they have a few snacks and they just eat normally again the next day.  No freaking out required.  I got up this morning and felt very calm about it.  Not calm as in “well, I’ve blown it!” but calm as in “It’s okay, today will be fine.”  I feel better today.  I’m glad a “major binge” for me is a couple of meatballs and a piece of dessert that put my over my maintenance calories for a weight that is FAR below my actual weight.  It could have been much, much worse.  It’s not a victory by any means, but it doesn’t make me feel like quitting.

Hubster offered to let me take 2 of the kids out to dinner tonight after Kid1’s Cub Scout ice skating party, and I declined.  I don’t think I have EVER declined to go out to dinner.  I love going out to eat and not cooking!  The fact is though that I’ve been to McD’s twice this week already and I think Wednesday we had chinese so I don’t think I need to go out to eat again.  Oh the ice skating party….there is going to be candy and cookies and hot chocolate there.  The way I figure it, I’ve played my “holiday party goof” card already so no passes tonight.  I’m planning on not having anything at all.  I’m kind of losing my taste for sweets anyway.  I am going to be totally fine and I’m looking forward to staring this party in the face and not flinching.

(I’m not really sure if I am the cat or the mouse in this instance…it works both ways really…which do you think, and why?)

Goals, Revisited

This week’s weigh in puts me well past my Christmas goal of 299.5.  My next goal was to be 293 by Jan 11.  I know that seems like an arbitrary number, but I had figured that if I was 293 in the morning, I might be about 295 in the evening and that was what I needed to be to make my 12 lbs goal for the Holiday Trimmings club at the Y.  That’s when I thought I had to weigh in the evening.  I’m just going to keep that goal as is.  By setting goals where I have to be X weight by Y date, I put waaaaaay too much pressure on myself and it makes me very frustrated when the scale gets stuck…so I am never doing that again.   To lose 4ish lbs in the next 3 (and a bit) weeks is almost a no brainer I think, so I’m keeping it low key.

My next goal would be 288, which is 10% off my initial weight, and a total of 32 lbs.  Again, that is very close to my 293 goal.  So these next few goals are pretty clumped together.

I’m going to put up a new ticker to reflect my 10% off goal, so that is what I’m going to be counting down to, not the relatively insignificant Holiday Trimmings goal. 

Looking ahead, I’m not sure if I will set goals in 10 lbs increments or what.  That seems too short to even bother with a ticker…but it’s less daunting than making, say, another 10% off goal.  After this 10%, my next 10% will be 28 lbs, so a full 4 lbs less than my first one, but that’s a big chunk of weight! 

I’ve got some time to think about it, I guess.

Mid Week

And still no love from the scale.  WTF?  Staying within calories – check.  Going to the gym – check.  Drinking water – check.  Loss on the scale? Where is my F’ing check?

I’m getting stressed.  In 3 days I have my midterm weigh in at the Y.  I have lost maybe 2 lbs since my last one.  I’m going to be just like all those other schmucks that bounce in to the first weigh in, gleefully predict a 2 lb per week weight loss, and then proceed to lose nothing.  Or gain.  Goals be damned!

I know from looking at my past weight charts that a maintain one week is not the end of the world (I really do have to convince myself that I’m not a total failure because I didn’t lose one week), it’s not over, not time to quit, not hopeless, etc….but it’s not wednesday anymore, people.  We’re halfway through my “week” and still. no. loss.  Scale is still showing on the plus side.

I really, really hate this right now.

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